Full Contact Government

“Yellow.” Billy finally answers. “My favorite color is yellow.” He looks at her, a smile that she both loves and hates on his lips.

Damn! “Your favorite food?” How can I have so much in common with someone who is so forbidden?

“Entreé or desert?”

“Start with entreé.”

“Chicken.”

“Chicken what?”

“Just chicken.”

Double damn! “And desert?”

“Cheesecake.”

“With what topping?”

“None, plain.”

Triple damn! The interview takes nearly two hours, two of the most excruciating hours she can recall. Finally, with a sigh of relief, Jenna thanks Billy for his time and asks him to send in the next applicant. There is no doubt about it; she prefers the old hiring process to this fiasco. What did it matter what foods they liked and what position they slept in anyway? Each week for the past year, every since Randy Moss was elected President during last year’s Super Bowl and general election, strange new questions have been added to the interview list. ‘When did you take your first step? What preschool did you attend? Who was the first NFL president you remember seeing?’ At least the last one made sense.

The questions weren’t the worst part of the hiring process, though. The worst part was the prohibition to date any of the applicants. To interview the most athletic and attractive men on the planet and not be able to go out with any of them, or even to flirt with them was excruciating. Jenna stands as the next applicant enters her office. “Please, have a seat. This interview will take between one and a half and two hours. Do you require any nourishment or refreshments?”

“Nah, I’m fine.”

“Good. Let’s get started.”

“What is your name?”

“Kyle Watson.”

“Mentor?”

“President Moss.”

“Affiliation?”

“Boise Bengels.”

“Usual position?”

“Vice Quarterback.”

The first half of the interview consists of questions that are mostly related to the government. What team the applicant is aligned with. What position the applicant played in high school government. Which constitution the applicant prefers. It is the second half of the interview that drives Jenna crazy. At least preseason is almost over, she thinks to herself as she thanks Kyle for his time and dismisses him. A glance at her watch, about three fourths through the interview, let her know that this would be her last interview of the day. As Kyle walks out of her office and closes the door, she looks at her watch again. Sure enough, only three more minutes until ref’s whistle. She spends the final minutes of the work day organizing the drawers of her desk before taking the results of the five interviews she conducted this day and hands them to one of the officials on the way to her car.

Jenna enjoys working for the NFL. Government has always been an interest of hers, especially since the instant replay debacle of 2030. She was in elementary school at the time, but she still remembers vividly how that incident nearly left the United States without an acting government for the first time since the NFL gained power during the 2008 presidential elections. She wasn’t even born when the NFL came to power, but ever since the replay event, she has been entranced by politics and determined to discover her part in it. In high school, she was a cheerleader for the class government. In college, she interned with the Des Moines Cowboys while she earned her degree in Halftime Law. After college, she spent two years touring the National Training Camps before accepting a job as an interviewer for the NFL itself.

Jenna walks the short distance from the elevator to her reserved parking space. She gestures open the lock on her brand new Reebok Rave and instructs the car to take her to her condo in Shuttle Pass Towers. She loves her car, her condo, and all the rest of the indemnities that come with being a card carrying fan of the current Super Bowl champs, and doesn’t want to lose them in January if she can avoid it. There are only two more weeks in preseason; only two more weeks before she is required to choose which team she will align herself with this year. With all of the acquisitions during the off-season, she has some serious studying to do if she wants to have a chance of choosing next year’s winner.

Jenna arrives at her condo. She gestures open the door and walks through the doorway. The Wilson Estimator kicks in and brings the temperature and humidity to optimum levels for her mood, adjusts the lighting to match the activity level of her brain, and provides an intricately calculated combination of aromas to enhance her performance in her currently desired area of interest. In less than a second, every room in her condo is at a temperature of 74.6 degrees with 34.7 percent humidity, bathed in a bright white glow, and pleasantly fragranced in a scent dominated by lavender and jasmine. Tonight is a night to study.

She gestures her widescreen, internet curtain to display a list of all 50 NFL teams and their rosters. For three hours she pours over the statistics of every single senator and recently acquired congressman on each team. At the end of the three hours, her eyes bloodshot and her neck sore from staring at the curtain all night, Jenna gestures away the curtain and slouches to her bedroom.

“Good evening Jenna, will you be sleeping alone tonight?” her Spalding 4000 sleep accentuator asks.

“Yes. Again.”

Analyzing both the words and the vocal inflections of Jenna’s reply and determining a hint of disappointment, the Spalding 4000 says, “Aw, that’s too bad honey. Would you like some artificial companionship or something from the kitchen?”

“Yes and yes. Surprise me on both accounts,” Jenna says. The lights of her bedroom dim and a low, pleasant whirring noise is heard as a serving tray, with a covered dinner plate, glass of Chablis, eating utensils, and an array of fresh flowers slides out smoothly onto a table next to her round bed. Jenna walks over to her bed and sits down. Once seated, the table adjusts itself to her position and the plate uncovers itself. On the plate is a generous helping of Fettuccini Alfredo with Chicken, a side of green beans and bacon, a warm dinner roll, and a small bowl of cranberry cobbler. Jenna picks at the food but eventually eats most of it.

After dinner, the vase holding the flowers begins to hover while the tray with the dirty dinner dishes retracts into the wall. Once the tray is gone, the vase lowers itself down to the table. Jenna rolls over onto the bed and finds her favorite position in the center. The lights dim a bit more and take on a pinkish hue. As Jenna closes her eyes, a light mist with a musky smell hovers over Jenna and the Spalding 4000 says, “Enjoy honey, I think this is one of your favorites.” Before the Spalding 4000 even finishes talking, Jenna starts to squirm and writhe on the bed and a smile of intense pleasure overpowers her face.

The next morning Jenna is awakened by a refreshing breeze proffered by the Wilson Estimator and the pleasing aroma of freshly cooked eggs and toast by the Spalding 4000. She can barely remember back to the days, before she was aligned with the ruling Super Bowl winners, when the only estimator and accentuator she could afford were incompatible and could not be used simultaneously without bitter bickering occurring between the two devices. The current versions, thanks to both being based on the latest version of Microsoft GOD, get along swimmingly and unselfishly assist each other while taking care of Jenna. There’s no way I can go back to my old apartment. I have to find a way to pick this year’s Super Bowl winners.

In an instant, she is looking at the locked chest sitting below her bedroom window. The chest, a throw-back to the days before Universal Access, is the only lockable accessory still allowed. Locking the chest is merely a perfunctory exercise, however, as, ever since Universal Access came into effect, every lock and every key is identical. She hurries to the chest, clutching at the key hanging around her neck, and opens the lock before she loses her nerve. Inside the chest is another relic from the past, a plastic case containing a round plastic disc. I can’t believe people used to use these to watch movies and listen to music. How inconvenient. Owning this disc, once commonly known as a DVD, is not illegal; however, possessing the information contained on this disc, football statistics analysis software, without the proper clearance, is a capital offense.

As just an interviewer, Jenna’s security clearance isn’t high enough for her to have possession of software for analyzing football statistics, but she know’s of a possible solution. At the inaugural ball last year, she overheard the Vice President, Eli Manning, talking with a staffer. She still remembers the phrase. The phrase was a sort of backdoor, a universal password that the VP had given the staffer for protection. She was sure it would protect her also.

She snatches up the disc, pulls it close to her chest, and sprints to her living room. There, she gestures her internet curtain to life and instructs it to access the data on the disc. The internet curtain obeys her command and displays a detailed listing of the disc’s contents. While examining the disc’s contents, the internet curtain flashes blood red and says, “Jenna you are in possession of illegal software and are without the proper clearance. What is your preferred method of execution?”

I hope this works, Jenna thinks to herself and then says. “Randy Moss is better than Jerry Rice.”

“Your response is acceptable,” the internet curtain says. In her excitement, Jenna runs to the bathroom without hearing the rest of what the internet curtain has to say. “Your immediate destruction has been temporary postponed awaiting verification from President Moss. Thank you for your patience while your fate is determined and have a nice day.”

Originally written on 9/12/2004